Saturday, February 5, 2011

Serving The Papers

Once you file for divorce, the papers have to be “served” – that is, officially delivered – to the other party.

When this is done, the court will know that your spouse received the papers, and he will have a limited amount of time in which to respond.



Who will serve the papers?

If you are using an attorney, she can arrange for the papers to be served.  Most lawyers work with process servers.  You will be charged for this service but you won’t have to do anything.

Another option, in some places, is to send the papers by certified mail.

In some places the police or sheriff will do it, at no cost or for a small fee.

As a courtesy to your spouse, you might offer him the option to come and pick up the papers, and sign for them, at your attorney’s office.  That way, your spouse will be spared the embarrassment of being served at home or at work.  Your attorney will probably not charge for this service;  her receptionist can handle it in just a few minutes.

You may also have the option of serving the papers yourself, and asking your spouse to sign for them.  That's probably not the right choice, if your spouse has BPD, because he may get upset and act out in some way.  It's better to have it done by a professional.



How will my spouse react?

If your spouse has BPD or another disorder, you might want to consider how he might react when he is served.  If you are still living together, will he get upset or even violent?  Will he accuse you of things or start a smear campaign against you?  It may be wise to arrange it in such a way that another adult will be around to make sure things go OK.

You might want to tell your spouse that he will be served soon, if that will help him react better to the news.  (Make sure to tell him in a matter-of-fact way, and not to hurt him or "win".)

In any case, consider what you can do to protect yourself in case your spouse gets upset.  If you are living together, try to avoid contact.  Have a separate room with a lock where you can sleep.  Keep your keys and wallet or purse with you, or near the door.  Have an overnight bag in the trunk of your car, and know where you can go if you need to spend the night away from home.

Let someone know if you are concerned about your spouse's behavior so you can call and ask for help without too much explanation:  "I told him and he's upset.  Can you come over?" or "It didn't go well - can I come over there?"



Should I tell the kids?
If you have kids together, you might want to let them know, in an age-appropriate way, so they don’t hear it first from your spouse, who might present it to them in an unfair or inappropriate way.

Consider talking with a counselor who can help you figure out the best way to talk to the kids about the divorce.

Make sure you tell them what will be helpful to them and not what you need to get off your chest.

Keep it simple and true.  Be ready for their questions but don't flood them with too much information they can't handle.

Additional resources
Here is a site with more details about having divorce papers served:  

http://www.ehow.com/about_5035123_rules-serving-divorce-papers.html

Here is a site with information for each US state:

http://divorcedocuments.com/state-divorce-forms







I am not a lawyer, and I can't give you legal advice.  The information here is based on my own experience going through a divorce in one US state, and on what I have read and learned from others who have been through a divorce with a BPD sufferer.

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