It may have been finding out that the other party was unfaithful, or seeing the other party acting out against the kids. Often it is an incident of domestic violence, or a false accusation.
Here are some links to resources describing some of the events that can lead to divorce:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9457&cn=289
http://www.dailyfinance.com/story/a-hidden-crime-domestic-violence-against-men-is-a-growing-probl/19297449/
I asked some people I know who have been through a divorce from a BPD sufferer, "What was the last straw, and what did you learn from that experience?"
So what was the straw that broke the back of your marriage?
1. The other party left
The marriage is not healthy but you both seem to be committed to making it work. Then the other party leaves, and you realize you can’t fix it alone.
Marriages involving a person with BPD often end this way; the disordered person is just as likely to leave as the other party. We often hold onto hope that the marriage can be saved – that marriage counseling can help, or that the person with BPD or another problem will get help. Their decision to leave rather than do that work can tell us that our hope isn’t realistic.
2. An affair
You find out the other party has been cheating and that ends trust.
If it’s the “first straw” – the only betrayal – and if both parties are willing to work on the marriage, the marriage can survive. If you feel no confidence that this will be the last time – if it’s part of a pattern of destructive behavior and there is no commitment to change – you may not be willing to continue in the marriage.
3. Domestic violence
You no longer feel safe or loved.
Abuse tends to escalate. When you see it as a pattern, with no end in sight, you may decide that you must make a change.
A good first step is to focus on your safety, and the safety of the kids if you have them. You can find a safe place and a plan to get there, and then consider divorce or other options.
4. A pattern of abuse
Physical, verbal or emotional abuse becomes too much to take any more.
You find your own limits and see no way to change your situation as long as you stay in the marriage.
5. A pattern of dishonesty
You lose hope that trust can ever be rebuilt.
6. Abusive behavior or neglect toward kids
You can take it – you’re an adult – but you can’t put your child at risk any more.
7. False accusations
Staying in the marriage will put you at too much risk.
8. Mishandling money
You find out about extreme spending or financial dishonesty.
One man I spoke to said that when he and his wife had to move because of his career, and filled out the paperwork to sell their house, his wife claimed credit card debt almost as high as his annual income! She had done all their financial paperwork for years, and he had no idea they had so much debt. That convinced him that the marriage couldn't work. (And he later found out there was much more debt she hadn't disclosed.)
9. Parental alienation
The other party is turning your child against you.
A pattern of alienation can be very hard to deal with once it is well-established. Richard Warshak’s book “Divorce Poison” gives some practical ways to spot it and deal with it.
10. Drugs
You won’t stay with someone who is abusing alcohol or other drugs.
Substance abuse is common among people with BPD, and many of us who have been in a relationship with a BPD sufferer have a tendency toward co-dependence; we feel the need to “save” people. This makes for a powerful but dysfunctional relationship; we are attracted to each other for the wrong reasons, and neither of us is getting healthier. Situations like this tend to get worse over time, and you may decide you can’t deal with it any more before the other party decides to get clean and sober.
11. Suicidal behavior
You can’t cope with someone who is self-destructive.
12. Not following through on therapy
Therapy is essential to make the marriage work but the other party is choosing not to do the work.
13. A disturbing decision
Making a destruction choice shows you that the other party can’t be a good partner. For example, one woman I spoke to was convinced her husband was not stable when he suddenly quit his job and lost his health insurance, which they needed because of his poor health.
14. Emotionally “over”
You just can’t imagine being connected to this person again.
One woman told me that her husband's tantrums always bothered her, until one day they just didn't any more, and she knew that she had become so emotionally distant from him - so used to his abuse - that it no longer mattered to her.
If you were to go through that experience again, what would you do differently?
1. Face the facts
We tend to ignore small things early in the relationship - little red flags - because we are getting something we like - companionship, warmth, sex - and we don't want to lose it.
Over time the other party's behavior may get worse. We ignore it, or make excuses; our skin gets thicker. We don't tell anybody what is going on - lying by omission.
2. Plan better for telling the kids
I was hurt and upset. I wanted to be honest. When my daughter, then 10, asked me – just a day after the unplanned separation – if we were getting a divorce, I told her the truth as I believed it at that moment: “Yes I think we are.” We were talking over the phone – I hadn’t seen her since the situation melted down.
It was a big mistake. I should have told her, “I don’t know.” or “I hope not.” or something to give me more time to think. I reacted, because I hadn't planned what to say.
3. Stay in the house
In some situations it makes sense to set up house elsewhere, but in others – especially dads – it can put you in a weak position for custody. It may be best to consult a lawyer, and look for ways to get through the divorce without moving out.
(But living in the same house with a person with BPD, while going through a divorce, can be extremely stressful and can add risk for domestic violence or false accusations. The risk may be reduced if you sleep in a separate room, keep your keys and wallet with you, and plan for a quick exit if the stress seems to be boiling over.)
4. Follow through
The decision to end the marriage – even if you don’t announce it – is likely to change the relationship dramatically. The other party will know, and if he has BPD, it may play on his fear of abandonment. There is risk of an “extinction burst” – a last, worst acting-out episode – violence or accusations.
One woman told me, "If I had it to do over, I would follow through the first time I filed for divorce. I knew it was the right thing to do but I was weak."
5. Get a lawyer right away
Or consult with one. Some attorneys offer a free consultation, or you can just pay for half an hour or an hour to ask questions and understand your options. You may be pressured to give a retainer – usually thousands of dollars – but you don’t have to do that til you are ready. You can consult with more than one lawyer, and put off a decision to file for divorce until you are sure.
The decision to end a marriage is usually very difficult and stressful. We may feel alone, especially if BPD is a factor. Talking openly with others who have been through a similar experience - and drawing on professionals like an attorney and a counselor - can help us avoid mistakes.
I'm not a lawyer, and I can't give you legal advice. The information here is based on my own experience going through a divorce in one US state, and on what I have read and learned from others who have been through a divorce with a BPD spouse.
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